I took down my post. Reasons why?
I could not re-read it. Honestly. I tried. I started it. But then my eyes just roamed over the page. See, I dug a grave and then tried to resuscitate the remains. Well not completely, but I put a toe back on the line that I had just drawn. And because of that rebound, I dismissed my earlier resolutions.
I did not lie in that piece and I did not exaggerate. Everything i said i did, i actually really did. But it just did not bring any form of joy to read it. Also I felt that it was written from a position of weakness and it was difficult to identify with that when I was feeling much stronger. Like now. I felt that I forced myself to re-acknowledge wrongs that I had already confessed and repented of, so that I could fully quench any remaining hope and denounce any remaining reasons why my heart should cling to a relationship that ceased to exist. At the time I wrote it, I truly did feel convicted afresh but it was like I bad mouthed myself and painted the relationship black so that I would have reason enough to move on. Sometimes I wanted to move on so bad. But every once in a while, I would convince myself otherwise.
Like the next couple days, I woke up and went back to a state of mind where I was totally reconsidering things. Claiming that there was a lot of good to what we had. And there was good to it:
He wasn’t ready for a relationship. He didn’t want one. But our relationship had gone beyond friends. So what were we doing?
He thought I got too needy at times
He thought (never said tho) I acted flirtatious
And I put too much heart and mind into it. Making him some kind of idol.
And those ARE enough reasons to disembark on giving up on any relationship. (If someone isn’t 100% about you, please don’t be 100% about them. Simple.) I use the word disembark because walking away from a relationship is a journey in itself. Especially when you walk out on one into a void. (Meaning I’m not talking to or seeing anyone else at the moment). Nature abhors a vacuum so the separation will always be tough. But tough doesn’t mean it can’t be done.
My resolutions sounded tough, didn’t they? I usually don’t make resolutions because I don’t like breaking them but I wrote those up so quickly I didn’t realize. If I could stick to them it would be great. Sometimes I feel too weak. But I remind myself Christ lives in me. I’m supposed to feel weak so my strength is perfected in Him. Because although I feel weak, I am strong. I can recondition my mind to believe that. No temptation have I met except that which is common to men. And God always will provide a way of escape. It’s a matter of choice. The Pauline epistle to the Ephesians says be strong. I know the rebounds will come. I know the temptations will come. I know randoms will show up in my life. I know I will feel needy at times. But I’ll make it through. I’m reidentifying with the personality who wrote the Overcoming piece. Life is about overcoming y’all. It’s a matter of your mind. And I’ve made up mine.