I just had a cry. The reason why was very different from the usual pity party some like to have. I was not feeling sorry for myself. But I was earnestly crying out to God and asking for forgiveness for my sins.
I feel that I have sinned.
Now I could be ashamed to write certain things. One must take a bold step to be able to write about personal sins. This is because to the reader, my sins will either be not worth writing about because they’re too minor or I will be dismissed and judged as a writer because my sins would be qualified as major and thus myself as a sinner. But either way, sin is sin and God is God. God moves away from us when we have sinned. So here goes, I’ll take on the shame.
My sin revolves around my lascivious behavior.
My behavior has cost me my umpteenth attempt at being in a relationship. I’m exaggerating. But of course I’m allowed to. I’m a writer.
Closed my eyes. I’m tired. I need God to cradle me like a baby.
Sometimes I feel God is gracious enough to let me stumble across things I read that open my eyes. I’ve been very blind to these sins but as I read a blog post this morning, I suddenly began to see. It’s been a year since I emerged from my last one. It broke me deeply. I’ll backtrack and give a bit of history. I’m the typa girl who wants to have her first kiss with her husband on her wedding. I really began thinking like this just two years ago (but prior to that to be honest, I hadn’t seen so much wrong with kissing). Nevertheless I’ve always been against fornication wholeheartedly. And hence I’ve fled any relationship that could lead me into such. The count of those is at 3 to this day (not so many to you? Too many for me!). Two years ago I thought I finally met the kind of guy with whom I could have a God-glorifying relationship with. I had no idea however that my own behavior was less inclined towards glorifying God than I thought. Our friendship ended for the most part in a year- his decision, not mine. Initially, because he said it was the wrong time. And I don’t blame him, for him it clearly was the wrong time. He wasn’t ready for a relationship or marriage so to speak. But I was! And he wasn’t telling me to wait for him, he was more saying “I don’t wanna waste your time” (like ouch, whoever said I minded what you did with my time?) So he was done talking to me. I will not badmouth him since I have a lot of respect for him and his honesty. Nothing that happened is really about him. It’s about me. He was prettty sure things would not go too well if we kept up, the way we were going and I believe that too. But heck, I’ve been upset about it all to say the least.
All this while, I’ve been battling with God and asking Him to make things right so I can get back to where I was before He rudely interrupted me. Forgive. The truth is He wasn’t rudely interrupting, He was delivering me, helping me, shielding me but I haven’t seen it that way till now. I told Him I was happy where I was and there was no need for Him to break things up. I felt there were so many good things about my relationship, I never saw the bad. I always get wiser after a “break-up” (technically not a real break up because I’ve never dated anyone) but after a year, I hadn’t significantly wised up as to why this relationship was harmful for me. I think I’m in the process of doing so now.
I’ll talk about my faults first.
-I made this guy God in my life. This is hard for me to admit. But I have slowly accepted that truth. It’s hard for me to believe that he was an idol because to me, I’ve been worshipping God all this while. I’ve been serving in church, reading my bible, praying, praying and did I mention praying? But I loved him too much. First of all, the trips I was willing to make because of him. Second of all, the sacrifices. The time. The affection I felt for him. All of it was way too much. I was giving my all and ready to give more without even an offer of commitment. Now if we were committed to each other in a relationship, even that would be too much. My reaction when he began giving me the cold shoulder told it all. I flipped and threw tantrums day and night. Pissed beyond understanding. Look I have nearly lost my mind over him (unfortunately not an exaggeration this time). And he’s not God. He’s the farthest thing from! So this was wrong. It was wrong of me!! It’s not the first time I’ve done this, not the 2nd or 3rd. But it’s one of the few times I’m admitting it.
(healing is already coming)
-I clearly loved too hard. That’s one thing. Another thing is I loved too easy. I’m probably not alone or unique for doing this but it doesn’t help matters to compare myself to others. It was my mistake to allow our fellowshipping to have gone to the extent that it did. We talked too much, we texted too much, Skyped and all that for two individuals who had no commitment to each other whatsoever. Guys can be jerks if you give them too much. They’ll take you for granted and judge you and blame you for everything and all you ever did was love them. But they’re like that because we let them. We lay down our lives the moment they say hi. Well I know I did. I let him chase but in the end I threw in the towel and sat down for him so he could get me.
-Somewhere along the line, I stopped thinking the God way. I focused on our attraction to each other. I wanted him to keep liking me and this is where lasciviousness slithered in. Lasciviousness was in the things that got us feeling good in a sexual or sensual way but weren’t directly related to sex. I knew I wasn’t helping him by skyping while we were both laying in bed or when I wasn’t dressed so decently but I did it anyway. Dressing up for him intentionally. We didn’t have to be sending each other pictures since we weren’t dating but we did anyway.
-Another aspect of lasciviousness was my extreme neediness. This neediness was manifested in several ways- always needing to flirt, to talk, to have attention. I subscribed to this. I got extremely needy and I knew this. Because I wasn’t getting what I wanted from him, I looked elsewhere. Quickly. I spent nights laying on my bed, hitting up my options- one guy who asked me to be his beloved sometime ago, another one who tried taking me out, other guys who were just friends and finally friends of this guy I liked. I was annoyed at him and I wanted him to know that since he was doing a bad job of paying me attention, I had no other choice but to talk to his roommate. Cough. I mean I wasn’t doing it out of spite. But his roommates hit me up and I would talk to them like why not? It was purely friendly conversations but looking back I know I shouldn’t have. Perhaps I exhibited a desperate need for constant attention. Rather than directing all this neediness at God, I looked in the wrong places.
Now I said my sin revolved around lasciviousness. And that’s it. There was no taking my shirt off or his shirt off or even saying “I love you” but I lusted deeply and looked to man rather than God and that’s enough sin to separate me from God. It took me forever to stop loving him and I consider that a sin too. I kept looking back (Paul says but this one thing I do, forgetting what is behind me and pressing on). It was rebellious and a refusal to trust what God has in store for me. It was also unfair to myself to keep loving someone who does not love me back. Especially while I have God in my life who is ready and more than willing to love me.
Ok my head hurts. But I do need to think about what to do differently.
Very quickly. Here’s my list of do-nots
1. No rushing heart-first into a relationship. I will have to take my time. Take my time. Take my time.
2. No paying attention to my fleshly attraction to guys. You know when it’s purely carnal thing. Just don’t bother with it. It’s trouble.
3. No hitting up randoms (this includes ex-s, old mates, guys I’m attracted to but do not want to marry)
4. No letting guys fill up my time and space because I’m feeling lonely.
5. No jumping from relationship to the next without giving myself enough time to breathe, learn and judge wisely.
6. No relationships with guys who say “it’s not the right time”. If it’s not the right time, goodbye.
7. No sitting around all day waiting for him to call kind of life
8. No doing nothing else but texting you all day kind of life
8. No sitting on the phone with you for hours even though we’re not committed to each other kind of life.
9. No lasciviousness whatsoever. I will not accept any dirty talking. Clean up your mouth and your heart if you want to join it to mine. No showing parts of our bodies either in real life or on the Internet or whatever. If it’s yours and it’s precious to you, cover it up. My body belongs to Christ. And therefore no bikinis or pictures of me in a bikini. My husband gets to see everything when I marry him and so I’ll save it.
10. No idols. No guy can solve every emotional problem of mine and so I’ll never let anyone try. God is in my life for a reason and there’s no need to make a guy play a role that he is clearly unqualified for.
11. Marriage will be the aim of the relationship and if it’s not on your lips, keep them and the rest of your body to yourself.
12. I will set high standards for myself and I will watch God perform His work.
13. I will take my mind off marriage and live my life. I will not love anyone as hard as I do God. No one deserves the devotion, time and sacrifice. No one but Him. I’m saying this while I do not feel it. God is God. His Word is true. I will not judge the closeness of my relationship with God by my happy emotions. If He’s here, He’s here. If I praise Him, I believe He’s there and if I am saved, I believe He lives in me and I am seated with Him. I confess and let go. I’m free again.
I forced myself to write this and so that it can be shared with anyone who may need the encouragement. My quiet time this morning was Revelation 12:11. They overcame by three things:
-the power of His blood
-the word of their testimony. So here’s mine. Paint me black. Crucify me. But Christ still loves me and I’ll testify about that.
-not loving their lives unto death. It’s not easy to share your past stories with anyone. Especially when they’re embarrassing. I don’t even fully consider this past, it’s still quite present so you can imagine what it feels like to share it (every time I re-read this blog entry I CRINGE and feel like curling into a ball and having another cry! It sounds so sad! Like poor me!) But please do not feel sorry for me haha. I love my life and I’m so blessed!
But I will not love my life or my reputation too much to talk about God’s goodness. I’m happy that God has given me life, grace and a continuous relationship with Him. Even though I’ve made mistakes in my relationships with guys, I know that by confessing them to Him, He is more than willing to forgive and He is able to do above and exceedingly beyond my thinking. And I know that whoever He gives me as a life partner will love me for me. To those I hurt I’m sorry. And to God, I am grateful for everything! The mistakes have humbled me, the lessons have purified me and I will never stop loving You.
I continue to overcome,