There’s a startling similarity between birthing a mission and burying a loved one. Because there’s a stark contrast and yet a humbling semblance between birth and death. They both identify with pain. Pains that rack your body and cause you to convulse. There exist no anesthetics in the kingdom, the violent taketh it by force.
So you stand there looking. Waiting. Thinking that something will fall from the sky. That stones will be changed into bread. That you could jump from everything you have and angels would catch you and make that missionary landing so smooth, you’ll never remember the word sacrifice. That the whole world will be given to you, at the slightest movement of your hip and backbone.
And what have you done? You’ve met new people. You’ve talked. You’ve chatted, you’ve laughed. You’ve winced at how much you will miss those you leave behind. You’re leaving.
There is no looking back. There is only laying down. And sacrificing. There is only losing and suffering. There is no falling in love. There is only falling down. There are no pick-ups. There are only put-downs. And the biggest thing you will give away is not your paycheck, it’s yourself.
But you’re not much to offer. You want to pray to bring heaven down, you want to cast out demons and fast days on end. You want to be up at dawn and on your watch. You want to preach and speak about the Name that is above all names.
You feel the heat. You can’t get away from this call. You haven’t always been this way. You look back at when it all started. This chase into ministry, can you remember the exact moment you stepped into the boxing ring? When you spoke to Stephanie. Or when you spoke to Nana Kwaku. Or when you began to acknowledge that indeed a fire was burning inside you and you could no longer ignore it.
But you feel so cold. So incapable. So fallible. So full of mistakes and shortcomings and not enough oil to get through till when the bridegroom arrives.
And in other news you wonder if the bridegroom will ever arrive, especially now that you’re leaving.
But you must bury it all.
Bury your feelings of unworthiness. God has called the unworthy. Bury your feelings of longing. God can satisfy every one of your innermost desires. Forget the milestones and landmarks in the city you loved. Forget the people you loved too.
And no long burials. No lengthy goodbyes. No lingering kisses to the things most dear to your heart.
“Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:60