A Silent Gnawing

The biggest item in the spiritual luggage I’m packing for this mission is faith. That said, don’t be impressed yet, my faith is on the small side (and everything else is even smaller). But I believe it’s growing. I’m learning, reading. I’m attracted to anything that talks about and explains faith. So I guess that’s a good thing. Here’s what I have so far.

Faith is believing in the unseen. Faith is believing in what the word of God says. Faith is abandoning your sense perception and choosing to rely and make your decisions based on what God’s word says. Faith has its own eyes, lips, ears, nose and hands. Faith is activated by confession.

Why should our organs of sense perception be abandoned? Because they lie.

I couldn’t get away from a gnawing I felt after church yesterday. Simply put, my heart was being tugged at.  I ended up disclosing my emotions in a poem, close to the time when I would sleep. Yo my poem was on some level. I was literally transcribing every ounce of feelings that oozed out of me in exact proportions. It was almost as though I used a pen full of whatever hormone that stirred me in order to convey the height of disruption in my heart as closely as possible. Do you get that? There was no filtering and no purification. And I will forever be the sole audience of that poem. Haha. My last lines said something like, “I can’t go on. These feelings must be checked” because by the time I was done, I knew. The tale-telling had begun.

I wrote the poem, “Lying Heart” (do not confuse with “Tell-Tale Heart” by Poe) almost five years ago when I discovered this truth. Our hearts can be liars. What was hard for me to understand back then was that, even though my every thought could be filled with this man who walked into my life eight months ago, and even though everything within me could cry to see him again and spend as much time as I could with him, if I refused to think about him and I never saw him again, I would be perfectly fine. My heart says the opposite. It creates a pressure, a need, a longing that must be satisfied. It communicates to my mind that time will stop if something is not done about the feeling it is generating.

But time will not stop. In fact the Bible says all things will pass away but God’s word will remain. So why listen to a corrupt and wicked heart? I wrote this in 2012:

Dear Heart, I will listen to you no more. Even if you make me cry. You sell me lies. And temporary truths. I will not throw away my future. By hearkening to you.

 We are two separate people. You’re confused. You’re wicked. You’re broken.

I’m not. I’m complete. In Christ. And so will I live.

Our sense perception is so limited. It’s unreliable. The lenses of our eyes grow less powerful, we see so dimly, we have optical illusions, we need optical instruments to see much further. So why base everything you believe and live by on what your eyes tell you?

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:6

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9



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