I’ve been mood-swinging. Or better put, moods have been swinging me. Or my mood’s been swinging like a vessel on a raging sea. Or my mood’s like a sea and my temper gets tempestuous. Haha I need to stop playing words like this.
I’m wearing a deep frown as I drive back home from church alone. It’s slightly deeper than the one I had on in the morning as I drove three other passengers from my home to the church. Although my frown eased into a poker face and later a smile as I neared my destination in both cases, I’m still having trouble pinpointing what caused it in the first place. The real answer is: nothing. There was nothing that had actually happened to cause me to be upset. But there was a silent gnawing. A surreptitious yearning. An oh-so-slight worrying. And further minor ruffles of my feathers.
For instance, one of these ruffles is the constant disappointment in my own lack of ability to fulfill all my church duties. Between choir/ praise&worship/ Saved church/ Church media and photography, there’s always one thing I simply completely forget to do or prepare for. And there’s a growing disparage of the weight of my present church duties in view of the duties to come. What I’m saying is, I’m realigning myself to prepare for missions and therefore my mind and heart are no longer as engaged in my local church. But I haven’t left yet. And I hate to trivialize any part of God’s work. But it’s happening to me, I’m being transplanted in God’s garden and the uproot process is kind of rough; in Christ’s body and I already feel the immune system reject me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my church, but I’ll call this a “mid-church crisis”. It’s true, I might just be looking for something to blame my disorganization on. It does bother me and I can’t even hide that fact. I want to do better.
Money-wise, I’m spending a lot. I recently began to stop feeling so protective of my mission-directed savings. It happened last week. I wanted to be more generous. I wanted to sow seeds. I wanted to spend money on people and make them happy. And on myself too. I had spent the past month, gathering and it felt like I was hoarding. I’m scared of hoarding because I don’t want to be like the rich fool in the parable Jesus told. But I’m hoarding for a mission? Surely that must be right? Either way, last week, I let loose. I spent on make-up mostly (you can actually never buy enough make-up, did you know? There’s always some new brand or color or cover you haven’t tried) but I also bought some great skin care products. No clothes though, but it was quite a bit of money spent. This week however, I feel like going back to being careful. You know?
I’m again beginning to worry. No job yet. But she’s taking vacation days off. She’s no longer quietly studying and preparing to apply to more jobs. She’s hanging with people, having fun like she’s not mission-bound. What changed?
I felt a burden lift. That’s the truth. As I sat in church on Thursday night, the night before Good Friday, I felt that “it was finished”. I felt the fight was over. Christ had taken on my suffering and shame? So I walked in my faith. I praised in advance. I let go and let God. Because I think I’m as close to the Red Sea as I’ll ever be, now I just need Him to part it.
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
By faith they passed through the Red sea as by dry land: which the Egyptians assaying to do were drowned.
By faith the walls of Jericho fell down, after they were compassed about seven days. Hebrews 11:6, 29, 30.