So disillusioned.

(I’m on my own so now I can actually brood).

I feel if I don’t go on missions, my Christianity will die. Period.

I have never worked this hard for a job or for anything career related. Surely God, you do see my struggle, don’t You?

I’m up at 4am (because I crashed after my Sunday Marathon by 8pm). But I’m not up writing love poems about some boy. No I don’t care about which or whatever boy. I’m back on my grind. Searching for a job. From LinkedIn to Indeed to AngelList to MIT Careerbridge. I’m relentless.

I won’t lie. On the inside, I’m just not as motivated to talk to recruiters. Yo, I’ve been there. I’ve gurgled out my resume and relevant experience and my surpassing enthusiasm for so many prospective jobs.

You know I just wanna write a letter to some VP and say, “Look, I will learn anything. I will stay up to whatever hour. I will work professionally. Just hire me please.”

My mission depends on it.

I’d gladly just go quit and live illegally.

And maybe marry someone for the sake of trying to live legal too.

And perhaps have a kid and get divorced.

My mission is all I have.

I’ve kept whispering that to myself and I don’t know if it’s true but here’s the truth, it’s given me something to keep going.

It’s like a little seed of hope that sprung up inside of me and I need to keep it going.

Without my mission, this is my life: waking up, praying (about nothing in particular), going to work (not doing much there either), eating, shopping after work (for no reason just buying whatever because I’ve been paid), coming home, cooking whatever, eating, talking to some guy, fussing about some guy and preparing for church and going to church on the required days.

With my mission, this is my life: waking up, praying and believing God for help and favor and for a job in CA, going to work, occasionally taking calls to interview, looking up interview practice, practicing coding questions, shopping only when I have to because all my money is going into savings for missions, fasting often, talking to some guy, fussing about my mission, looking for jobs, going to church on required days, joining meetings about the missions, occasionally reading about the missions, writing about the mission like I’m doing now.

It’s clearly given me more to my life. You might not see it as much but I can. I know what I was like before. And I know how desperately I want to do something for God, simply because of Him. The time is so crucial because I have so little strings and entanglements. No relationship, no marriage, no kids. A few years down the line, this could easily change. So my time is now. I want to give this time, the best of my youthful adult years to The Lord. I don’t know if my zeal will change but now it’s upped. It’s upped where it should be. So it must be now.

This is my prayer God, send me now.

Church is getting a bit trite. I know it’s shameful to say that. I know that without the mission, my life will go on. I will keep singing, preaching, doing what I have to do. I have a stable job and a place to stay (at least till the end of the month haha). Honestly life’s okay here and I am more than grateful for the blessings I’ve experienced here. But I must go.

Maybe I was born for this. I feel my destiny so tied to this. I feel that I will experience God and His miraculous power in ways I have never just by going.

I’ve already tasted of that power and I am about to taste a lot more. Even getting a job at this rate will have to be by a miracle. I need a miracle job. I’ve been on a wild chase for the four past months, to Los Angeles and back. And still no job. But I know the God I’m serving. He’s the God who gives children to barren mothers, the God who causes rain to fall on barren dry lands, what can He not do? Is there any thing too hard for my God?

My job is coming, I’m going on missions. It is well with my soul. We shall see the wonders of The Lord in the deep. We are going into the deep. We are chasing after God. Past the obstacles. Past the joblessness. Past the emptiness.

This is what He has for us. And we want it.

Steeplechase or not, you can’t break me.




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