In the mornings, I cannot help it. I feel so loved by God. This changes everything. The past few weeks have been crazy. I haven’t been able to figure out jack. I’ve made so many decisions that have wound and spun me into a place from which it’s slightly difficult to back myself out of. AH! I’ve been scared and confused and angry and irritated and helpless and you name it. But yet He loves me.
It’s really crazy how I feel. In the mornings, I am overwhelmed. I do not know why. I just know that I’ve never in my life felt like this. It’s like bubble-baths and sunsets and mountain tops and the most scenic views including the slick of rainbow I saw in the clouds yesterday. His love. It’s all over me.
See, in the mornings I drive an hour to work. I plug in my phone and play worship music so I can pray. And the moment I get in the car now, it’s like He was waiting. Halfway through my ride, I’m laughing uncontrollably and hysterically. I’m lost in bliss. I do remember all the various things that are bugging me. They haven’t disappeared. But His love is so much in my view. It’s what I’m seeing ahead of me. It’s surrounding me. It’s this crazy peace. A crazy reassurance that He is here. And that’s my oxygen mask. That’s my life support. That’s my sanity.
I have reasons to feel unloved. I did find out this weekend, that the one who kept me up to 3am a couple weeks back, telling me that he liked me and asking if I did too has gracefully moved up his game with another girl. I guess I wasn’t giving him enough back. It’s not like I wanted anything from him anyway. But knowing that he’s moved to someone else still feels like wow that was quick. And you know right then that everything he said was a lie. The lies just keep coming haha.
So maybe I should feel bad about that. Maybe I should feel bad because I’ve been disappointed twice by a company I’ve wanted to work for. Disappointed by the last guy I fell in love. There’s no shame. This is truth. Of course it hurts to say but hey.
And yet I don’t. I don’t wake up in the morning, feeling a grudge. Feeling unworthy, undeserving, unpretty, unloved. I don’t feel sorry for myself. No pity parties at all. Because God chose me. He wants me. He comes to me. I get to feel His presence. And to me, it’s worth more than anything. I’m responding with full force. His love is unrelenting.
And the one thing you must know is that, the whole Christian story is about love. It begins and ends with a wedding. Jesus’ first miracle was at a wedding. This is not a coincidence. A wedding is a celebration of marriage, a celebration of love. A miracle was needed to sustain the celebration, because the wine ran out. And that’s what happens with most relationships. They start out so well. Everything’s great. You’re texting, he’s making you laugh, you’re seeing each other. But then oh no. The wine runs out. You lose touch, you disagree, you have different views, you can’t keep up, you refuse to sacrifice, he finds another, you find no other, and that turns a love story to a tragedy. So every time love comes into the picture, believe it or not, a miracle is needed. Jesus’ love is a miraculous love because it never stops flowing. His blood leaked from his body to the very last drop. And His love will do the same. He will love us till our dying breaths. He has done what is needed, the greatest miracle of all time, died on the cross and rose from the grave to make a way for us to the Father. And now we have Him. We have His love.
And you will find that the one thing you really needed was peace. Because when peace floods your being, you have clarity of mind. You can figure things out. You can be prudent and wise. You can be careful and systematic.
Within His love, we have miracles. And within the miracles is His love.
But it’s all His love. I can’t stop saying the word, “love”. Love. Because He loves us.
The only one you should love with no holding back is God. Love Him and no other. Love Him like there’s no other. Love Him not religiously, ticking off all the things on your religious to-do list. Love Him wholeheartedly. This is the sum of all of the commandments. Love God. Put all your eggs in His basket. Do not love anyone else in this same way. Do not give anyone else as much heart. Give God your all. Simply because He’s already given His all to you.
Loving you through New England’s imminent cold season and still dying to go on missions,